I am not sure why I was concerned about Alec’s speech at one point in his new little life. I couldn’t wait for him to speak. Huh….changed my mind now.
So I think most of my family has heard this story but I think it bares repeating-plus they haven’t heard the rest.
It IS that embarrassingly funny. I hope that it does not get lost in translation. It’s kind of long so grab a drink and settle in.
Oh and if you have a tendency to pee when you laugh too hard…you may want to take care of that too.
I am not even sure I know where to start. I’ll try the beginning and see if that works. If not, I’ll erase it all you will never know the difference.
So… last week when we went fishing down by the pond we did a tick check when we got home- just a precursory glance over. As I was changing and whipping off the bra (ladies..you know what I’m talking about) I noticed something small and brown on it…it was a plain ‘ol white, boring bra so it was clearly very noticeable. Yep a tick. On the inside.
Ewhh. Gross.
I didn’t want it getting on the bed where I had so carefully chucked my bra so instead of staying clam and putting a shirt on- I went running out in the kitchen where Alec was having a nighttime snack…one arm across my bare chest the other throwing the bra at Erik saying “get it off..get it off”.
Clearly not how Erik had imagined this scenario happening.
Alec looked up and then kept eating…clearly me freaking out is too common an occurrence. Once said infected undergarment was handed off- I went to get a shirt. Phew –right?
I also starting yelling something about getting the alcohol to kill it. As Carrie had just showed me her extensive tick collection in alcohol – it was the only thing that came to mind to kill it. Plus, I was envious and wanted my very own collection. And, well, my paranoia was not over. I made everyone strip down right where they were.
RIGHT NOW.
YES IN THE KITCHEN.
NOW PEOPLE.
(again clearly not how Erik had imagined this scenario)
All the clothes went directly into the washing machine. Alec, of course, has stopped eating and has taken an interest as to what is going on.
Obviously.
Mom is now making him get naked in the kitchen when she is usually ranting about him getting dressed and stop running around naked in the kitchen.
I am happy to report that everyone else was tick free. However, my freak out, has made Alec acutely aware and weary of ticks. Erik had made mention that some kinds of ticks can make you very sick. Alec, as you know, has no interest in being sick. Even when he is. No way does he want a tick near him.
Fast forward to Monday afternoon of this week. I ran into the school to pick Alec up and his teacher stops me. She said Alec said something so funny – she had to write to down so she would remember to tell me .
I, of course, cringe.
What did darhling Alec ask Miss Erica? Well I believe the conversation went like this:
Alec: “Do you have any alcohol?”
Miss Erica (looking horrified): “What?”
Alec: "Do you have any alcohol? I NEED alcohol”
Miss Erica “Umm..no Alec”
Alec (pretending to wipe his arm) “I need alcohol to get this tick off me”
Miss Erica: very big sigh of relief
I laughed bashfully and said…”I guess we better call it rubbing alcohol from now on”
D’oh.
On to Tuesday morning. Maybe 16 hours later?
We gave Alec a set of Nerf swords for his birthday and he and I were jousting this morning before leaving for our day. He made some comment about playing with REAL weapons. And the conversation went like this:
Me: “Where did you play with real weapons?”
Alec “Here”
Me” When?”
Alec “One day when I wasn’t at school”
Me “We don’t have real weapons here”
Alec”Yes- we do “
Me “Where?”
Alec “In the square bedroom”
Me “Show me”
And the this is where it might get confusing. Yes- Alec calls it the square bedroom because he misunderstood us once when we first moved in. Spare and square do sound quite similar –especially when your ears are full of fluid and the name stuck. So, Alec and I go into the square bedroom and and he whips open the closet door. My heart sinks. Now, at one point, for reasons I will not go into here (nothing illegal) we stored a friend’s gun in this closet for a very brief time. It was unloaded and locked in a case. Hence you see why my heart sunk. I thought maybe Erik had showed it to Alec.
But thankfully he pointed to where he had found a certain toy a while ago. Pam had given them to us and we had stashed them there because we weren’t ready for Alec to play with them yet. But he had found them. They were used as swords before he got his Nerf swords. They hurt when you got hit with them and Alec must have heard one of us say “these are like real weapons” or some variation of that. I got down to eye level and tried to explain to Alec that he can’t tell people mom and dad allow him to play with real weapons because 1) it’s not true 2)mom and dad could get in trouble if people think we really allow him to play with real weapons.
We went round and round with this and I walked away feeling slightly satisfied that he would not say it again.
30 minutes later
We walked into school and Miss Kara says “Good morning Alec”. Alec in turn looks at her and says “My mom says I am not suppose to tell you that I play with real weapons”.
Kara gets this look of shock on her face but then quickly recovers and realizes based on the horrified look on my face that she has something to tease me about. Alec ran ahead to his classroom and I explained to Kara that no we don’t have weapons in the house and no we don’t let him play with knives etc. She is laughing her butt off at me stammering. Oh nice.
Again –could get confusing. Try to keep up!
Alec has a sub in his classroom for the end of last week and the beginning of this week.
Mr. Jeff.
Poor Mr. Jeff. Even though he is a teacher, it was clear on day one that Mr. Jeff has no children. At pick-up the first afternoon- I looked at Mr. Jeff then looked at another teacher and said –he doesn’t have kids does he? No. He taught older kids didn’t he? Yes.
Poor Mr. Jeff had the glazed over look of a sleep deprived new mom. Our daycare director likened being a new daycare teacher to training for a marathon. It takes a long time to build up your endurance. I think Mr. Jeff was hanging somewhere around “oh crap-I just ran a mile – why did I say I would run 26.2?”
So after sharing our “secret” with Miss Kara, Alec rounds the corner into his own classroom where Mr Jeff is….still looking a little weary.
Now, usually every morning, Alec will ask one of his teachers if the dress up area is open. He wants the policemen outfit and he wants it before anyone else can get it. Seriously, the kids probably think he is crazy because he wears it ALL.THE.TIME. Believe me- it’s usually the first question.
So Alec goes walking toward that area, Mr. Jeff watching him. Alec turns to say something but shuts his mouth. (He can be shy). I say ' “Go ahead -say it” thinking Alec will shyly say “Is dress up open?” But instead he says “ Mom told me I am not allowed to tell you I play with real weapons”.
The look on Mr. Jeff’s face was worth all my mortification. He just turned and looked at me with these huge wide eyes. I think the eyes said “but they didn’t cover this in training”.
Poor Mr.Jeff.
I just laughed and said “Don’t ask” and walked out the room.
I then pulled a few teachers who would be in his classroom during the day aside and and told them the the story.
I kindly let them know that regardless of what Alec says we do not give him alcohol (it’s called an adult beverage in our house) and we do not allow him to play with real weapons. There were a few jokes from the director about calling DHHS and a few jokes about me ‘packing some heat’ but everyone had a great laugh about it.
And the perfect trifecta? A mere 23 hours later…to this morning.
Alec was upset because he didn’t get an everything bagel this morning. He loves everything bagels.
Alec: “What kind is it?”
ME : “Wheat.”
Alec: “Dad- Mom gave me a weed bagel.”
ME: “Wheat Alec. Wheat. I gave you a wha-hee-t bagel. “
Alec: “Do I have to eat weed?”
I seriously hope they do not talk about what they ate for breakfast at circle time today.
Yes friends- we just covered drugs, alcohol and weapons in a mere 3 days.
Keep up! We are busy family.
Apparently morally corrupt but busy!
